Monday, February 6, 2012

New OB, New Worries

I met with my new OBGYN today. She's lovely. You know how some people just give off an aura which is calming and serene? Well that's how it felt when we met. She started off by apologizing for our loss of Jack and asked me how I'm doing on a psychological basis. I was straight-forward and honest with her in that this is something I struggle with daily and some days are easier than others.

She offered to arrange for a social worker or psychiatrist if I would like an assessment as we get closer to our little lady's due date. The very thought of a psychiatrist is enough to make me squirrelly as I deal with them on a professional level all the time and I have a lot of difficultly buying into it. I can anticipate what my diagnosis would be- PTSD, possibly Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic... But yeh, really, at this point I don't want someone to tell me what's wrong or how to fix it. What's wrong is that my baby died, and how to fix it is to try and focus on the positives which have come from all of this: supportive, best, most amazing husband in the world, relatively supportive friends and family (bat shit crazy in-laws not included). I tend to think I'm doing very well all things considering, and am not really interested in being told my grieving is inappropriate... Does that make sense? I don't want to talk about it with someone who hasn't experienced this/lived through this/knows me.

I'm very much a "take the bull by the horns" kind of person, so I know I have to face my fear head-on, and nothing short of exposing myself to my fears is going to resolve this or make it any easier. I did say I wouldn't mind talking to someone AFTER baby arrives, but then at the same time I get nervous at the thought of someone watching me and judging my actions with our baby since I know I'm going to be extremely emotional about it.

Anyways, that sorta went on a tangent I wasn't planning to write about, but it is what it is.



We talked about due dates and scheduling our c-section. She seemed to initially be under the impression I wanted to have baby girl super early (like in April?) and I assured her that wasn't my intention. I did tell her of my conversations with my prior OB about delivery at 38 weeks and that I was comfortable with that. She then mentioned recent studies which support babies seem to do better if scheduled sections are completed after 39 weeks... So this is where I kinda got nervous, because if I'm being honest, I don't WANT to wait to 39 weeks... I'm not really comfortable with it since I had Jack at 39 weeks and I'm nervous about going in to labour prior to the scheduled date- with my previous c-section, I'm incredibly anxious about my uterus rupturing... I'm also anxious because I don't want to go into labour and expose this baby to whatever infection killed my son... It's just not something I'm ever going to be comfortable with... The other thing which makes me want the 38 week section is that depending on which date I go by, Jack may have been 38 weeks (based on his original dating ultrasound, which was then moved forward by a week when they thought he measured ahead?).

The last and most superficial of it all? I turn thirty on May 7th... And ever since we started talking 38 week c-section, I've focused on having her on May 4th- 37W6... My thought process being that I would love to be discharged and heading home to start our "new life" on my thirtieth birthday- something about it seems romantic in a weird way... Having a love-in for my birthday with my baby and my husband is my idea of a dream-come-true, and knowing that may not happen makes me sad. Dumb, right? So the new OBGYN suggested we could look at mid-38 weeks, which puts me at my birthday or the day following which would be a great consolation prize... We should know a specific scheduled date in the next month or 6 weeks.

I realize how stupid it is in that it's just a few days difference, and that a year from now or more this will seem like such a petty thing to be worrying about, but still, it's hard. Every single day, especially those last few ones, are going to be oh.so.hard.

Anyway, after this we did the usual stuff: measuring my belly, listening to the horse galloping within my stomach, and talking about my stretch marks. ha.

All in all, I feel good about the appointment. We have an appointment in 4 weeks, then we start the bi-weekly sessions and I'm looking forward to that, too. I also get to have my delicious orange soda/glucose test at my next appointment, so that's something else to look forward to or not. Scott will be coming with me to that appointment so he can meet the new OBGYN. We'll be scheduling our hospital tour in 6 weeks or so, which I think will be nice to orient ourselves with the hospital a little better (I wandered for a while today, I'm terrible with directions).

Anyway, I wanted to put this out there, since it's been bothering me since my appointment earlier today. I actually got into my car to drive home and burst into tears at the unfairness of all of this. I called Scott to tell him about the appointment and I just cried. It's not the unfairness of the c-section date, but the unfairness of not having my little boy at home waiting for me... At the unfairness of even being in this situation in the first place... Of just wanting her (them both?) here, safe and sound, as soon as possible and not to drag on this pregnancy unnecessarily if there's no added benefit to it. I want to be one of those numb pregnant women who just prances through pregnancy without any thoughts that this baby won't make it. Do I ever...

Does all of this make me crazy?

18 comments:

B. Wilson said...

Not crazy even a little bit. I also feel like since nothing has worked out at this point in trying to bear children for us (other than actually getting knocked up-- and even that wasn't easy!), we want to retain control at least at some level. We want to bring things back to the way they SHOULD be-- knowing full well that it's likely impossible. That our babies should have lived and we should've been granted that. And that we should go on to have subsequent pregnancies without a hitch because of how much we love, care, adore, and thoughtfully raise our firstborns.

When nothing seems to fit our perception, we feel like failures. Again. And being hormonal surely doesn't help the situation!

Caroline said...

You're probably asking a bunch of crazy, emotional, grief stricken folk if you're crazy . . . so, no, not in my book, but that might not be saying much :)

I totally understand the difference of a few days. In planning Finn's induction each day had meaning - of course we wanted the healthy range first, but then this was so-and-so's birthday or so-and-so's anniversary, flag day, etc. so I get where you're coming from on that :)

I hope so badly that you meet your daughter on/before/around your birthday and get to celebrate many, many more with her.

Nicole said...

Like the others have said...you're not crazy! You have SO MUCH to deal with. Pregnancy and grief are so complicated together. It's not fun to deal with all the emotions of grief on their own...not to mention what pregnancy hormones do to you!

When we were scheduling induction with Addalee, there was a date range that we had in mind. Then the doctor started talking about pushing it back a few days...I panicked. I didn't even really have a good reason, I just couldn't bear the thought of it changing! I cried and cried and everyone thought I was a nutjob! (Turns out, we ran into some complications and she had to come early, in the 36th week...so my nutjob-ness was unnecessary!)

I can't think of any better way to spend your birthday!

Molly said...

I don't think (not that I'm a professional that has any right to diagnose by any means) that you are depressed. You are grieving. There is a huge difference. I do understand that depression can come from grief so that is something to keep an eye out for with all of us, but what you are feeling is completely natural. Are you supposed to be happy?! Hell no. It's impossible to just "be happy" after what U have been thru. Now, I do think that if we find it necessary after these babies are born, anti anxiety meds may be in order... I can easily see our anxiety levels super high waiting for the other shoe to drop and such. But don't let anybody tell U that u r crazy or depressed. I'd like to see someone go thru this and not feel what you are feeling. If time doesn't begin to help this grief become manageable or if it gets worse, that's an issue that u should have addressed. Ha! There is Dr. Molly's diagnosis for ya! ;)

My New Normal said...

I've been thinking a lot about the unfairness of our situations. In fact I will probably be writing about it today. So if you're crazy than so am I. Which may not be much comfort to you depending on your opinion of me. : )

Of course I don't think I'm crazy so by default you can't be crazy either.

Kelly said...

Not crazy, my friend. Every time I leave an appointment, I'm oddly calm, thinking of the new baby to be born. And then my reality comes back, and I'm back to Kelly after loss. Then I think about how all of this is unfair. And the dates are important and make us crazy. I'm full-term on April 10th, and I have mini freak outs about what will happen if I have this baby on the 11th. Silly, but I just can't deal with that date. ((((hugs))))

Dana said...

None of it means you are crazy. I'm glad the new OB is nice and is open to discussion about the c-section date. I wish that Jack was waiting for you at home after the appointment, waiting to welcome his baby sister home. It is so unfair. I often think that I could have Jacob and this baby. Before Jacob died/was born, we planned on waiting until he was one and then trying again. We would have been right on schedule.

Melissa said...

Of course you're not crazy. Either that or we're all crazy! :)

I'm so glad that you like your new OB. I felt that way about mine too. I agree with your OB about the 39 weeks but maybe you already knew that since I eventually decided to wait until 39 weeks since babies tend to do better when born after that gestational age. Of course, that ended up fucking me over when the hospital was too full to do my induction. Waiting those last few days was excruciating. I still believe they were so I don't think you'll look back and think it was silly to make a big deal over a few days. Mid-38 week sounds like a great time to have a baby. :) I can't wait until May gets here!

Rose said...

You are sooo not crazy.

I loved how you said "What's wrong is that my baby died"...I have been feeling the same way because there is really no way to fix it. I am so tired of support groups and therapy appointments because I just don't feel like they help. I do agree with the rest of your statement that says "and how to fix it is to try and focus on the positives which have come from all of this"....so true. It is hard to accept the fact that is this is our life now but you just have to wake up in the morning and find the positives.

I am praying that once your sweet baby is here safe and sound you will feel peace. I am also praying you will feel that peace now but it is like everything....peace also comes with sadness. :o( Thinking of you today.

I just love your blog and the way you write your thoughts. It is like I could be writing them myself.

fireworksandrainbows said...

K...so...I am going to go against the grain a little here and say you are crazy. Whaaat... you say??? The day our kids stopped living I think we all went a little crazy...and we fucking deserve the right to be.

All the milestones, dates, peculiarities that we gain after having to bury or children gives us the right to have these quirks. PTSD? YES Sir! Depression? You're damn right! OUR KIDS DIED...we get a pass.

So what if certain dates make you feel uncomfortable or if you want things to go how YOU want it. You are entitled. We all are.

I can assure you, my little bean growing will not be born any where near 10, 11 or 12 as I too will be having an RCS.

OK, stepping of my soap box now.

Yes you're crazy...but so what.

Glad you like the new OB...it will make all the difference in trusting her for your care. I am not prepared to trust anyone just yet :(

xoxoxo

Amy L. said...

Oh, LauraJane, of course you're not crazy. It's just as you said: your baby died, and some days are harder than others. It's all terribly, terribly unfair and there's nothing in this world that can make that not so.

Hugs...

Brooke said...

I don't think you're crazy. At all. And I'm not just saying that because I'm crazy or something. Seriously. It's totally understandable to have a million mixed emotions about scheduling a c-section--it can feel like life or death is literally riding on these choices (which might be worth discussing with your doctor... I mean, when you talk about 38 vs. 39 weeks, you're discussing the preferable of two GOOD situations, and it's important to remember that.)

I don't think you should see a psychiatrist if it makes you uncomfortable, but I would be really surprised if you'd be diagnosed as chronically depressed. I've been seeing a therapist for over a year and one of the most helpful things about it has been her assuring me that what I'm feeling is normal. It's called grief. It's just that no one talks about it. And it doesn't have to be medicated away, we just learn to live with it. As you said, some days are harder than others. Keeping an open mind, especially after G is here and you may find yourself really dealing with something (like PTSD, or PPD) is probably a good idea. But I hope that the joy G brings you eventually finds a way to sit next to the joy that Jack brought you, and the sadness of losing him. It's still not fair, though, that you should have to hold those opposites in your heart.

Brooke said...

I feel like I should clarify my comment by adding that it's FINE and GOOD and RIGHT to take medication if, in fact, you and your doctor think you need it. Grief can certainly be amplified and complicated by depression, I'm just saying that I don't think they are one and the same thing. I think it's normal to feel depressed, but we all know that's not the same as suffering from chronic depression, which should definitely be treated and medicated if at all possible. It won't fix the grief, but of course it can give people the energy to deal with such sorrow.

OK, done now.

Tiffany said...

none of that makes you crazy. i understand completely. and i hope you get your wishes of having her when you want. i think after all we have been through, it's not too much to hope that something goes the way we want it. to tell you the truth i felt somewhat the same about having our little girl. anyway, it is unfair that Jack is not home waiting on you. i'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Addi's mom said...

I think we all went a little crazy when our babies died, but it's the normal our lives are forever screwed kind of crazy. It would be more crazy if you weren't different, you know?!?

Glad you are happy with your new OB, that is so important and helps keep the crazy down...or at least it helps with mine!

The unfairness of all of this is so massive. As much as I used to love being pregnant and am SO grateful to be pregnant again, I find myself angry that the only reason I am is BECAUSE Addison died...so messed up. This will never be fair or right, but now that these little ones are in our bellies the only thing that would be more messed up than our current situations is if they didn't come home as well. I have to believe they will and I have to believe they will love their older siblings because of the way we chose to remember and love them. Please oh please!

Hope's Mama said...

Just chiming in to also say SO, SO not crazy. And I know, this is all so terribly unfair. I still feel that way on most days. I still want all of my babies.
xo

Natasha said...

I totally understand the difference of a few days- it's not crazy at all. You are not crazy at all. I almost lost it when I thought we were going to have to wait until the 9th to induce with Mason when we had been planning on the 6th the whole time. As much as you've been through it helps to have a say/control over something even if it's just a date. It means a lot.

I'm glad you like your new OB. She sounds like she'll work well with you guys.

And you are right- it's completely and totally unfair that Jack is not at home. So not right. I hate that. Continuing to pray for you and baby girl.

Melissa said...

Oh I'd love to be that pregnant woman too, sadly it is not our reality but at least you have this place where other women understand. You are DEFINITELY not crazy with these thoughts. Baby boy's due date is June 18 and I was thinking if they want me to go to 39 (before I talked with my MFM doc) that put us at June 12 or 13 and the 13th is Mikayla's birthday and with all of my being I just did NOT want him to have the same birthday. Well, with all that worrying it turns out that because of my classical c-section my doc wants to deliver me at 37 weeks which puts me at the end of May. For some odd reason it being in a whole other month from June, which seems like it will always be Mikayla's month, made me feel so much better. These minds games are tough. Obviously we just want our babies HERE and healthy but the emotional aspects after a loss are so hard.

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