Some days remain better than others. I cry every.single.day, whether in 30 second bursts, a quick sob, or an all-out, fall to my knees tantrum. I'm beginning to think I always will, because he'll always be in my heart.
It's hard to go through each day, knowing this is what has become of my life. This is not what I wanted. This is not what was supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be a mum with a little boy, carrying on obliviously in my day-to-day life. But I'm not.
So I have measures to cope with this stuff, so I don't find myself depressed. Because I easily could. I've heard so many people tell me (those WITH children), that they couldn't do what I've done (picked myself up, dust myself off, and keep on living). I don't know what to tell them. We BLMs have 2 choices:
#2 isn't an option of me, thought I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought it would be easier. To know I'm going to live my life, be walking around with a gaping wound for the next 65 years... It's exhausting, unimaginable, and daunting... But it's not an option. I would never, and could never do that to my family, friends, and most of all my husband. He keeps me alive. I live for him, for us, and for our future babies.
My husband copes by not really talking about Jack. We do, but it's in quick bursts, and then the topic is changed as quickly as it came on.
My coping mechanism? Copious amounts of optimism. I believe know we will have more beautiful babies. I'm convinced it will happen sooner rather than later (don't tell me it won't, I'm well aware it could not...), and we will keep our next baby and the ones which follow forever. We've paid our dues, we've squared up our bill with fate. The next ones are ours to keep. Did I mention the forever part?
Part of this optimism, which is what I worry is stupid, is that I keep planning for these future McBabes. And not just in my mind....
All through my pregnancy with Jack, I kept an eye out for the perfect child-sized chair for his nursery. I wanted somewhere to take his photos on a monthly basis to show his growth from month-to-month. I wanted something which would eventually be a cozy spot for him to settle into and "read". It needed to be small because his nursery is small. Also, small=cute.
I failed to find one to buy while I was pregnant, and actually forgot about it until last week or the week before (it all blurs) when I found the perfect child-sized arm chair, complete with matching ottoman at HomeSense. It is light blue with off-white/cream giraffe prints (matches our nursery to a T!) . This is the fabric:
So, what did I do?
I bought it. I brought it home with me, and put it into Jack's nursery. I confessed to my husband what I did and showed it to him as soon as he got home. I fully expected him to roll his eyes and tell me we have enough baby stuff (because we do). Instead he smiled, told me it was adorable, and hugged me while we looked at the nursery, stuff to the walls with baby stuff... Hopeful.
He did tell me I should probably wait on buying more baby clothes.
Great advice... Advice I had planned to heed until while out with a friend yesterday we stumbled into a Gap Factory store.
And I left with 2 co-ordinating baby onesies. One blue. One pink. "If you think I'm cute, you should see my mom" on the pink, "If you think I'm cute, you should see my dad" reads the blue one. Good, now we're set whether we have a boy or a girl.
I'd show you a photo, but I'd have to find my digital camera, which is a task for another day.
I couldn't help myself, I think a part of my being able to prepare for future kiddos is buying things in anticipation of them. Before you assume I've lose my mind since losing Jack, I feel you should know I did this long before I was pregnant with Jack, basically ever since my husband and I were engaged to be married.
To summarize, I'm crazy, and possibly way too optimistic. I'm aware this stuff could come back to bite me if we have problems achieving and maintaining a pregnancy (something we've never faced ourselves). But you know what? I have a whole nursery full of reminders of what has been and is no longer... The result of waiting until he was a sure thing... At this point, I need a little optimism to get me through the day.